SANTA’S TRUE COLORS AREN’T JUST RED AND GREEN
In the holiday classic “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” Santa’s saccharine sweetness gives way to his true nature. To a starry-eyed tot watching this drama for the first 11 or 12 times, all is magical in this land of talking snowmen and red-nosed reindeer. To the seasoned viewer, however, each year’s presentation reveals yet another blatantly bigoted, sexist, or conformist statement.
I have always loved Rudolph… he is probably the closest thing to a perfect man God has ever created. He is sweet-natured, well-mannered and adorably unique.
And yet, in the past fifteen years of watching this holiday treat, along with the rest of the world, ugly things have started invading my happy little red-nosed winter wonderland.
As soon as the curtain opens on "Christmastown," Burl Ives – disguised as a snowman – recaps for us that every year, as we all know, “Santa uses a team of flying reindeer” to deliver toys to deserving children. Oh, he “uses” them alright… the old bastard!
Just because he is “jolly” (aka OBESE) and wears red fur and laughs a lot, we are supposed to think he is the cat’s ass. By this token, if Cruella Deville gained 400 pounds and started wearing red instead of black and white, would she suddenly have a reputation as a righteous babe that all the kiddies adore? She already likes to laugh, so she’s good there already. I don’t see it happening.
Anyway, this Santa bastard… he takes claim for delivering toys all over the world in one night, and yet… if you ever bust in on a wrap session Christmas Eve, you’ll see that it’s your mother doing all the hard work and putting Santa’s name on the gift tag. The old coot just sits back popping cookies and slugging nog while yo’ mama is the one working her butt off to give you a merry Christmas (and preserve Santa’s rep at the same time).
But all this aside (I’m sorry, I’m rambling on, emotions are running high – Rudolph is why we’re here today)… as soon as Rudolph’s parents discover their child has a special feature, Daddy Donner slaps a glop of mud on the poor baby’s nose to conceal it.
And just in time, too… as here comes Santa ‘nosing’ around to check out the new offspring. He remarks what a fine specimen Rudolph is… and, as if on cue, Rudolph’s faux sniffer seemingly leaps to the ground of its own accord.
“You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Donner…!” Santa scolds. And at first, you get excited, thinking that Santa is going to lambaste Donner for covering his child’s most prominent and exciting feature. But Santa makes quick work of any appreciative thoughts you might be harboring where he’s concerned. In evident disgust, he hastily spits “…a RED-nosed reindeer!” before he huffs out of the cave. God forbid anyone should display ANYthing but a regulation, standard-issue, run-of-the-mill, coal-black reindeer nose! You must CONFORM. That is Santa’s crystal-clear message here… the roly-poly bigot! Anyone trying to go his own way and be himself might not be shot on sight, but he’ll definitely want to consider long and hard getting a nose job (or at least wearing a falsie outside of the cave) or relocating to somewhere that freaks are accepted as the norm (i.e., The Island of Misfit Toys).
Donner sets Rudolph straight on his disfigurement and tells him that he WILL wear the falsie to reindeer tryouts… “No son of MINE is going to go around with a RED nose!”
Rudolph obeys his overbearing dad and sets forth for tryouts with the falsie securely in place. At tryouts, he meets young Fireball, with whom he discusses life and love (in the shape of an attractive young doe standing on the sidelines). Fireball assures Rudolph he has plenty of time before his turn arrives to get acquainted with the young lady. Rudolph and Clarice hit it off instantly and are starting to lay the groundwork for a loving monogamous relationship when Coach Blitzen bellows that it is time for Rudolph to step up to the plate. Rudolph, letting no moss grow ‘neath his hooves, hastily asks Clarice for the honor of walking her home after tryouts. She delightedly accepts, adding in a shy whisper, “Oh, and Rudolph… I think you’re cute!” This is all our dear hero needs to fuel his maximum flying reindeer capabilities. “I’m cute! I’m cute! She says I’m cuuuuuute!” he shouts with glee, flying roughly 25 feet into the air… not once, but twice. Coach Blitzen’s reaction? “Not bad. Not bad at all.” Hel-LO! You, MISTER, are NO reindeer… you are a JACKASS! This young buck will consistently put the rest of you to shame! Clearly, this little lad is, and will continue to be, the star of the show. He is exceptional in every way. Probably 98% of the established adult reindeer team doesn’t have that kind of power! Aaaaaaarrrrrgggh!!!!
His peers are impressed and they begin horsing around with him (if this scene had been shot in a locker room, they would have definitely been snapping towels at his nappy reindeer ass). Scorn rears its ugly head on the snow-white landscape as Rudolph’s falsie pulls another banzai mission. The other deer are repulsed and freaked out. We are fortunate that they don’t toss their oats… that’s how creeped-out they are at the sight of Rudolph’s flasher. Coach Blitzen, after a momentary difficulty with his eyes lolling back into his head and nearly popping clean out of his skull, tells him he is OUT! [Message here: It doesn’t matter how talented and amazing you are, if you’re unique, you are a freak… we don’t want freaks...]
But… what light through yonder window breaks? Clarice still thinks he’s swell! She’s a bright girl and knows a swank guy when she meets one! Black nose or red nose, she’s in this thing for the long haul. As Rudolph walks her home, she breaks into a sweet song for Rudolph’s benefit about how “There’s always tomorrow for dreams to come true…” Rudolph appreciates her loyalty and they share a tender moment… that’s when Clarice’s father busts onto the scene and commanding his daughter to return to their cave, says, “No daughter of MINE is going to be seen with a RED-nosed reindeer!” Aaaaaaarrrrrgggh!!!!
Have you kids gotten the message yet?!!! If not, do you have A.D.D.?
Conform or lead a miserable, lonely life!
Rudolph knows he can’t go around with the falsie on anymore. Everybody in Christmastown knows he’s a freak with a red nose and he’ll never get the job he was born to do. He hated wearing that damned falsie anyway. Part of him is glad that it kept popping off, but he knows he has to leave the only home he’s ever known and set off for parts unchartered. He happens to bump into Hermie, the young elf who “wants to be a den-tist.” He, too, is a misfit, and the pair decide to hit the tundra together, singing happily about the fact that they’re both misfits and that’s how they fit in.
While on the run from “the Bumble” (aka, the Abominable Snowman), they meet up with Yukon Cornelius, an amiable bloke whose shopping list consists of “cornmeal, gun powder, hamhocks and guitar strings.” He tells them that the place they should live is The Island of Misfit Toys, and says he can take them there.
Unfortunately, once they arrive, the king of the island tells them that the island is for toys alone… those toys that no little boy or girl loved. Yukon jokes that even among misfits, they’re misfits (yes, thanks for pointing that out, Yuke). King Moonracer (yes, that’s his real name) tells our motley crew that, although they shall not be permitted to reside long-term, they will be provided accommodations for the night… as long as they promise to tell Santa, if they ever return to Christmastown, about the misfit toys… because surely HE can find little girls and boys who will love them. This, of course, is assuming that Santa’s not some mean jerk who discriminates against imperfect mutants.
Among our misfit islanders… a decidedly gay “Charlie in the box” (ohhhhh – he keeps coming out – get it?!), a pistol that shoots jelly, a train with square wheels, a cowboy who rides an ostrich, a polka-dotted elephant, a bird that swims, etc. The one resident that has always disturbed me, and undoubtedly will continue to disturb me, until the day I die, is the dolly. She is cute, she is lovely, she has a sweet singing voice, her dress is not torn and she cries real tears… so WHY is she an unwanted toy? There is nothing wrong with her. There should not be a problem finding a friend for her! Why does her predicament seem so familiar to me? I am scared to even ask what her name is…
Meanwhile, back in Christmastown, the deer are getting panicky that Rudolph hasn’t returned. They figure he has probably ended up on the Bumble’s pupu platter. Donner feels guilty and decides to go find his son. Clarice and Mrs. Donner want to go too, but they are told, “No… this is MAN’s work.” Yeah, well, whatever.
Donner doesn’t come back right away and the women say, “Screw it! Somebody’s gotta find our honey boy and Donner doesn’t have the balls to pull it off!” (well, I mean, we don’t hear them saying it, but it’s totally implied)
Long story shorter, they all end up in the Bumble’s cave and Hermie makes oinking noises to lure the Bumble out, Yuke drops some heavy metal on his head and then Hermie extracts the Bumble’s choppers, forever protecting the winter wonderland from the dreaded danger of the Bumble’s powerful jaws and razor-like teeth. The deer head back home with Hermie, whilst Yuke teaches the Bumble a valuable trade.
Upon arrival in Christmastown, it is announced that the blizzard of the century has struck and Christmas has been canceled. Santa will never be able to see his way through that storm. Rudolph’s nose beams at an opportune moment and Santa, noted for his high IQ (not!) deduces that Rudolph’s nose will shine the way to their every destination. Oh SURE! He’s a FREAK and an outcast until HE can save YOUR ass and then you’re all over him like a cheap red fur suit!
You know what happens then. Rudolph, being the forever-forgiving and loving soul that he is, says he’ll do it. He’s an instant celebrity then, because his blinkin’ beacon has saved Christmas… from the commercial Santa aspect, anyway.
And this year, something new and disturbing occurred to me as I watched.
They stopped and picked up the misfit toys like they do every year. And as the final credits rolled, I watched them hand each of the glad-hearted misfit toys an umbrella and push them out of the sleigh towards their final destination.
Are we honestly to believe that some flimsy UMBRELLA is going to safely guide them to that special little boy or girl that will finally love them? What about the other toys? Santa takes them directly down the chimney in his sack… and yet the misfits are just shoved out with no guidance or protection whatsoever! I found this deplorable and unforgivable… and heartbreaking, when you see the happy little smiles on their faces as they jump unknowingly to their inevitable demise. I guess we’re supposed to figure that the Christmas magic will keep them safe… what kind of idiots do they take us for?
I guess maybe the kind that spends a few hours writing a review on how unworthy Santa is to hold such a lofty place in our hearts. I just needed a little mental cleansing and I think maybe this will help me rest a little easier tonight. I probably won’t even wake up when the red glow beams in through the window at me.
One last question… do you really think that a flying reindeer with a glowing nose really needs some heavyweight fatty to help deliver presents? It seems to me that Rudolph is MORE than capable of delivering the gifts on his own. Santa is just a figurehead and a dead weight in the sleigh. Think how many more presents could fit if you left that lardass back at the Pole! You wouldn’t find Rudolph getting stuck in the chimney… ever! ‘Cause he’s sleek and sassy and built for speed!
Viva Rudolph! We love you!
And Mele Kalikimaka to all of you!
