Just came across a valentine form letter I wrote in 2003 to amuse potential valentines and really put myself out there (without really putting myself out there).
Dear Kenny ,
Well, it’s that time of the year again… it’s Valen-time!
Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching and, this year, I have decided to get pro-active and do something about it.
If you are reading this letter right now, it is because I am taking matters into my own two very capable hands, and have decided to tell you, Kenny , what a magnificent pagan beast you are. At some point in time, since that fated day we met, some six years ago, Kenny , you did something that made you memorable and special (and worthy of a valentine) in my eyes. After wading through countless eligible bachelors here on the Garden Isle, I find that it’s you, you beautiful man you, that still keeps popping into my head. Good-looking, intelligent, amusing, talented in more ways than a girl can count… and those bewitching blue eyes of yours… ! Your charisma is legendary throughout the Pacific… nay, the World. And anyone who has ever met you knows that you’re like a magnet for excitement; it clings to you and surrounds you like an aura. Need I continue, Kenny ?
I think you and I both know where this is headed, Kenny .
Since it’s not likely that a man of your unparalleled enigmatic excellence is still available, I am bracing for crippling disappointment. Alone, I will continue stoically down the painful path of Life (made immeasurably more difficult by the aforementioned crippling). And yet, I feel this risk, though fraught with potential humiliation, is worth taking… for you… Kenny .
I hereby invite you, Kenny , to be my Valentine 2003!
If you do refuse this invitation, rest assured that I will harbor no bitter feelings of ill will toward you and cordially wish you and yours a Happy Valentine’s Day, despite your apparent lack of taste, sound judgment and reasoning.
Please don’t tarry… complete the portion below and mail it to the address listed today.
I’ll be holding my breath in hopeful anticipation!
Aloha,
Polly
Please check one of the following and send your quick reply to: Love Princess, P.O. Box 612, Hanalei, HI 96714
_____ ❤Yes! I can and will be your Valentine 2003! I’m so glad I’m the only man you chose for this delectable and enviable post! I SO look forward to finding out if you’ve really gone as insane as this letter makes you out to be, or if you’re still just a frustrated genius with way too much time on her talented hands…
_____ ❤No, I cannot be your Valentine 2003… unfortunately, I have a girlfriend (otherwise, DEFINITELY!).
My girlfriend lives at ______________________________________________________________________
(insert street address here)
and can be found at home alone between the hours of ______am/pm and ______am/pm.
I understand that no harm will come to her as a result of my refusal to be your valentine and that this information has been requested solely for entertainment purposes.
_____ ❤No, I cannot be your Valentine 2003… and I really don’t have a valid reason. It’s just… I don’t know… you are, like, the perfect woman and that freaks me out… I mean, it REALLY scares the hell out of me. It’s not that you ever did anything mean to me, or pressured me in any way… it’s just that I have all these issues from God-knows-where. No explanation of why you scare me, you just scare me. Dear God, isn’t that ENOUGH???
_____ ❤No, I cannot be your Valentine 2003… I just fail to find anything interesting about you… you have fatally misjudged my intelligence and I am not anywhere near as bright as you thought. I am admittedly as dim as a one-watt bulb.
________________________________________ ___________________________________________
(print name) (signature)
No comments:
Post a Comment